Hello from The Gluttonous Geek, again! So this recipe is a long time overdue from when I made it back in October for a wizard-themed party. I figure that now is a good time to post with peaches being in season next month, though. Now since every good party is not complete without a big bowl of salsa, I served up Usidore’s Salsa of Light and Shadow from Hello from the Magic Tavern!
Click here to jump to the recipe for Usidore’s Salsa of Light and Shadow.
Master of Light and Shadow
For those who have not yet heard of the improv comedy podcast Hello from the Magic Tavern, the story follows a human – Arnie Niekamp – after he falls through an enchanted portal behind a Chicago Burger King into a fantastical sword-and-sorcery-style world named Foon. Unable to find his way home, he hosts a weekly podcast in the tavern, The Vermillion Minotaur, interviewing the various creatures he meets there.
If you want a more in-depth description, you can check out my recipe post for the Vermillion Minotaur’s Spiced Potatoes and Waffles. Or you can go to the podcast’s official website and start listening here: Hello from the Magic Tavern.
Today’s post, though, I want to highlight one of Arnie’s co-hosts: Usidore the Blue (Wizard of the 12th realm of Ephysiyies, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Terr’akkas. The elves know him as Fi’ang Yalok. The dwarves know him as Zoenen Hoogstandjes. And he is known in the Northeast as Gaismunenas Meistar).
Among Usidore’s many magical talents, he also possesses a refined skill in describing food. His chef’s cadence is famous. How can it not be when you can hear his passion for cooking radiate in the tones of his voice? Whether describing a simple salsa recipe, a complex formula for morglorb, or even a dish of freshly fried fox face, Usidore somehow makes everything sound like it would be delicious. You could say that in an audio format, Usidore serves us his words as a finely crafted delicacy.
Behold the Power of Salsa!
So not too long ago Usidore fell in love with salsa from Earth cuisine. Why? Because it’s simple — just cut up some fruit and vegetables and dip a chip in it! I can’t blame him for being excited (synonyms: elated, delighted, piqued –are you taking notes, Arnie?) about salsa, though. I imagine the feast of possible combinations fuels Usidore with a fervor akin to Arnie’s love for red potion, Chunt’s love for Arnie, or even Blemish’s love for 52 sacks of flour. No, I will not explain those references. You have to listen to the podcast to get them.
So for today’s recipe, I decided to follow Usidore’s recipe for Peach Salsa from Season 2, Episode 25: Sit in a Circle:
“Cut up four fresh tomatoes, a full onion– cut some cilantro, some peach. Make a delicious peach salsa. Mix all those things together — fold them together. Ay — let them mix into one another and become a single thing. And when that single thing is formed, dip thine chip within in it! And with thine chip carry the delicious salsa to thine mouth AND EXPERIENCE A TASTE SENSATION!”
Now feel free to use the recipe above if you know your knife skills and want to experiment. I took some liberties for my take — not many, just enough to teach some knife cuts and optimize the flavor.
Conjurer of Culinary Delights
First, you’ll want to use some good vine, heirloom or Roma tomatoes for your base. Avoid the heck out of hothouse tomatoes or anything larger than Jyn’Leeviyah the Red’s fist. The larger the tomato (that’s not heirloom) will be watery and flavorless. You’ll want to remove the seeds before dicing, and you’re in luck that I’ve included a short video to demonstrate the (deceptively) easy way to do this.
Next, I chose to use a red onion for this salsa. I figure Usidore loves red because of his girlfriend, Jyn’Leeviyah. Also, red onion is delightfully spicy on its own without needing to add any chili pepper to the recipe. You’ll want to dice it about the same size as the tomatoes, and I’ve included another video here to show you how.
I didn’t include a video dicing the peach. I made the mistake of not letting the peach ripen before making this dish, so what I created is not exactly the most useful of videos. Don’t do what I did. Let that peach ripen up before splitting into its juicy goodness.
Finally, I decided to sweeten and sharpen the flavor using mead and kosher salt. I used the toasted oak aged mead that my husband and I make, though Chaucer’s is a good substitute. Plus you can also make your friends some King’s Bowls with the leftover mead by pouring some glasses and garnishing them with fresh raspberries. And that’s two recipes in one post — you’re welcome!
BY THE WAY, if you like the bottle label in the main image, I’ve included a printable PDF. Just attach to the jar of your choice with spray adhesive and Mod Podge it to make it waterproof.
Usidore’s Salsa of Light and Shadow Label: Download PDF here.
recipe
Salsa of Light and Shadow
Usidore's Salsa of Light and Shadow
Equipment: Sharp knife, cutting board, mixing bowl, spatula.
Ingredients:
- 4 ripened vine tomatoes
- 1 large red onion
- 1 large, slightly ripe peach
- 1 tablespoon mead (or 1 teaspoon honey mixed with 2 teaspoons water)
- handful fresh cilantro, chopped
- kosher salt
Instructions:
- Slice the ends off the tomatoes and discard. Cut the tomatoes into quarters and carefully carve out the seed pods to also discard. Dice the quarters into half-inch pieces. Pour the tomatoes into the mixing bowl.
- Peel the onion and slice off the non-root, papery end. Cut the onion half lengthwise, then slice each half in a radial pattern, using the ridges as a guide, in half-inch increments while keeping the root-end intact. Cross-cut the onion halves in half-inch increments to dice. Pour the diced onion into the bowl.
- Press your knife into the peach’s buttcrack until it reaches the pit inside. Yes, I did just write that at the risk of future employers seeing this. You’re welcome, Chunt.
- Use the ridge as a guide to cut a half line lengthwise around the peach without cutting through the pit. Pry the peach open and dig the pit out with a spoon. Slice the peach into half-inch thick planks, each plank into half-inch thick batons, each baton into cubes. Add the diced peach to the bowl and stir the contents together.
- Stir in the mead, cilantro, and kosher salt to taste before serving with fresh tortilla chips.
