Zombieland | Tallahassee’s Twinkie-misu

Fun fact, little over ten years ago, I was a zombie in Zombieland. 

That’s right, back before the Atlanta film scene exploded, I was paid to snarl into a camera. More about that further down, but I bring this up now because Zombieland’s sequel is now in theatres. With the return of this zany story chock full of Twinkies and the undead to the big screen, I thought this the perfect opportunity to make Zombieland-themed recipe.

Click here to skip to the recipe for Tallahassee’s Twinkie-misu.

“Why do the zombies smell like coffee?”

So back in 2008, I started working for Netherworld, the best rated haunted house in the country. I just graduated college into a recession, moved back home, and received a Facebook break-up letter from the most toxic boyfriend of my life.

It felt good to scream. It felt even better to get paid for it.

Anyway, not long after the haunt season ended, production staff from Zombieland approached the haunt owners. Not only did they want to use Netherworld as a filming location, but they also wanted to hire some of the actors.  We got our own day to audition. 

To give you a visual, around this time of my life, my hair was so long that it reached my hips. So I went in and crawled, twitched, and snarled like a rabid Samara from the Ring. I got the job.

My first day of filming was on a cold and rainy morning in March. Zombies required a 4 am call time, so my boyfriend at the time kissed me goodbye from holding before I left to hit up the makeup chair. An hour later, I returned, dressed in rags, hair caked in dried petroleum jelly, and face slathered in coffee stains. 

Coffee stains look like dried blood, apparently.

Then into the rain we went to film the “Rule #2” scene — the double-tap. My boyfriend ran with the civilians, and we ran after them — over and over for several hours. In between takes, the civilians were given blankets to stave off the chill. Zombies did not get blankets.

“Hey. Great job so far,” My boyfriend said to the zombie behind him between takes, “I really thought you were trying to get me!”

“Oh, I am trying to get you,” said the zombie, who we discovered was a drill sergeant IRL, “If I get you, I’m taking you down.”

If you happen to see a man in a leather trenchcoat running while screaming “Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!” in that scene, you would know why.

Take after take took its toll, pulling a muscle in my leg. Zombies do not jog. They run. Or in my case, they shamble-run. After four straight-hours of this, I was freezing and exhausted. But I got what I wanted: a paycheck, a hell of a story, and immortal undead fame.

“Shoot the control box.”

The next day I was called in, I went to a set of air hangers that would eventually become Tyler Perry Studios. Today thankfully involved no running whatsoever. It turns out some of the footage they shot earlier at the theme park in Valdosta was too dark to use. We were going to be the zombies on the ground during the famous “Shoot the Control Box” scene in Zombieland.

So call time was at 1 pm. We zombies arrived, got dressed, sat in a makeup chair, picked up lunch, then waited.

….And waited. I should probably mention the hurry-up-and-wait culture there is on film sets. Want to work as an extra? Bring a book. You will need it. Be friendly. Do what you’re told. And let the crew do their jobs.

So we sat and told stories as the crew set up. Around 7 or 8 or so, the AD approached us and told us the entire plot of Zombieland –with some extras thrown in to throw the press off in case something leaked. That was when I learned of Tallahassee’s search for Twinkies. She then told us about our scene. It was our job to stand, snarl, drool, and paw out above us like a cat scrambling for the red dot on the ceiling.

Yes, I did say drool. Each take the crew gave us a thimble cup of the grossest concoction I’ve ever had even to this day: corn syrup, oatmeal, and fake blood that we in the haunt industry refer to as “zesty mint.” 

On “Rolling,” into our mouths this glob of zombie loogies went and stayed for seconds that felt like hours.

On “Action,” we slowly drooled while twitching.

And finally on “Cut!” the hanger echoed in a 30-second symphony of hacking and spitting.

I was lucky, though. I only had to drool the stuff out. My friend, Ethan, on the other hand?

He got “shot in the head” and had to lie in that growing filth-puddle EVERY. SINGLE. TAKE.

Small blessings.

Tallahassee’s Twinkie-misu

So initially, I thought I would make some homemade Twinkies filled with coffee cream for this recipe. Why coffee? Because Zombieland’s zombies smell like coffee. I theorize that patient zero worked for Starbucks.

One problem, though. There are already a million make-your-own Twinkie recipes, and none of them are easy. I realized if I don’t want to make Twinkies, then neither will you. So let us be resourceful with this, then. Let us instead use Twinkies to make a coffee-flavored dessert.

So that’s why I whipped up a custard cream using cream cheese and eggs. Cream cheese stays stable if you freeze it, and there’s bound to be some free-range chickens somewhere in the middle of nowhere. 

I then raided the snack aisle for Twinkies and vanilla wafer cookies. They last in the apocalypse, right? Get them before their shelf life runs out and dip them into a nice, cold cup of hazelnut coffee and bourbon.

Top that all off with some cocoa powder and hazelnut coffee ground, then chill it to set. There you go, a little bit of sweetness in a dystopian wasteland.

Sing for your Supper!

If you plan to cook the recipe off the site, keep scrolling. However, while access to recipes on the blog will always be free, I now have printable PDF recipe cards and thematic cook-along Spotify playlists as rewards for those who choose to support the blog.

The printable recipe cards and playlist for Zombieland-inspired Tallahassee’s Twinkie-misu will be available as a $2 donor reward on my Ko-Fi page until Sunday, November 24th, 2019, at 8 pm EST.

-OR-

You can join my Patreon community at the “Sing for your Supper” level ($1/month) for access to the playlists or the “It’s All in the Cards” level ($5/month) or higher for access to ALL of my blog recipe cards and playlists. Patrons of all reward tiers will even receive a welcome gift of my Lord of the Rings recipe cards and playlists from January to get you started.

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A Zombieland Delicacy